This post comes from one of my MSC-T participants. She has taken Self-compassion and put it to work in her life. 

——Jane

 

When I open the window, the fragrance of osmanthus comes to my nose, and at this moment, I stay quietly with it – and hear many voices in my heart.

Half of the year 2023 has passed, and looking back, I experienced a darker time in my life in the first half of the year. I didn’t know what was wrong with me, and I kept looking for a solution, but I always felt so powerless and helpless at that time. During that time, I felt my world was only black and white as if I didn’t fit in with the world around me. Sometimes, tears would flow down my face involuntarily, I doubted and denied myself, my mood fluctuated a lot, and I even had physical discomfort, insomnia, dry heaves, and fever. I felt more and more that the more I tried to push it away, the more it harped on me and was hard to get rid of.

In a chance public welfare activity, I got involved with Mindful Self-Compassion for Teens and with Jane Meng, a patient and caring teacher. Her appearance was like a soft light, and my world gradually brightened and became even more colorful.MSC-T course is not what we need to remember but to be able to, in that short period, be with themselves in a piece, to give the mind a moment of healing and rest, so every Saturday night to take out an hour and a half to two hours or so and myself and the teachers to stay in a piece of the feeling of an excellent feeling, in the classroom, I felt that I was allowed, accepted.

 

Under the teacher’s guidance, I have been practicing meditation for twenty minutes every day, becoming aware of my emotions and asking myself how I feel at the moment and what I need most. Usually, I would do some breathing awareness and foot meditation before going to bed, and halfway through the session, I would fall asleep and wake up to a bright day. The quality of my sleep has slowly started to get better, from insomnia all night to being able to sleep for three or four hours and finally being able to sleep through the night; I wake up in the morning feeling that even my breath is precious and that I have incorporated positive thoughts into an essential part of my life.

The pain and frustration have stayed the same because my mind has shifted. There’s nothing like traveling light, with a gentle breeze blowing across my cheeks, filled with the people and things I love. I also no longer repeat the helplessness of the first time; I have not regretted what I have lost or can not get. Everything is the best arrangement. I also realized then that the world will not let you stay away from suffering just because of who you are, and when I feel that everything is meaningless, I love myself first.

For example, when I am in deep emotional vulnerability, feeling tired, stressed, needing support care, and looking to others to provide emotional value, the other person is also very vulnerable, unable to provide me with emotional value. The two are about to get stuck in the quagmire of blaming each other; I need to see myself first, to carry out self-care first, to love myself first, to try to understand and satisfy my own emotional needs by myself, and to try to fill my tummy first, and to fill my empty bowl first. Fill your empty bowl. After realizing this, I did a little self-care and said to myself: these are my emotions, thoughts, and impulses at this moment, and it’s normal for me to have these emotions, thoughts, and impulses because I’m exhausted, but there’s a gap between the reality and the expectation so I’m going to suffer.

These pains are part of human life, and I am not alone. At this point, I stabilize a bit and ask myself what I need and value now, “I need self-compassion, I need peace, I value loving and harmonious parent/child/lover/friend relationships.” Another example is when I find it hard to sleep, I use some breathing meditation, foot meditation, and listen to light music to calm myself down first, so sleepiness comes gradually, and I no longer worry about the fear of insomnia.

Every flower has her look about their own life, can only do is choose their own think the best road, no matter how the outside world’s voice evaluation of the choice, that are other people’s choices, I can not control, never live in other people’s evaluation system, to define themselves, no matter what happens, I have been good enough, in the short limited time to live recklessly it.

——YiWen

YiWen & Jane

This article is from YiWen, one of the MSC-T participants in China.

Chinese version：here